Deeper

Good morning everyone! I hope you are all having a fabulous Wednesday! I wanted to share a new part of my processing with you. A good friend of mine, Alexa, has been encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. Poetry has been one of those things, and this poem is my first completed poem and one that is very dear to my heart. If you would like to hear a bit about the inspiration behind the poem, you can find a summary below. I hope you all enjoy it and let me know what you think.

~ Deeper ~

Dedicated to My Father and the men and women who have helped me along this beautiful, yet crazy journey. 

About a year ago you called me deeper

Walked farther into the ocean

And called me to follow you.

I was dumbfounded to discover

That though the water rose

And the floor dropped from under me

I did not sink.

And still you called me deeper.

 

One warm summer evening I sank below the water

Felt it’s cool touch on my skin

Gentle fingers playing with my hair.

Then I was thrown back into the world,

Sunlight shining on me,

The soft chatter of passerby filling my ears

And it felt as though nothing changed

But I knew something had changed.

 

The semester began.

I thought it would be like any other

But still you called me deeper.

I got the news that the rumors were true

And fear spread through me like a wildfire.

I knew that you were calling me deeper

But this was too deep for me.

Yet as my head dipped below the water

The beauty of your plan was all I could see.

It shone and sparkled even though there was no sun in the sky,

And when my head burst from the water

When air flew back into my lungs

The fear was gone and peace had returned to the ocean.

 

But soon another wave came

And another

And another

And I’m afraid I’m caught in some kind of hurricane,

For just as I gain understanding

Another wave hits me.

Pushes me back under the water

Takes the air from my lungs

Leaves me gasping and crying

Unsure of which is up and which is down.

I thought I was searching for your face

But I’ve discovered I’m just trying to get away.

Away from the storm that is wrecking my ind

Away from the memories I thought I dealt with

So I swim and I swim

But I turn around and you’re still there.

“Just fall into my arms, child.

I know you are tired. 

Just please fall into my arms.”

And where my mind says,

“Yes! Take away this confusion”

My heart says,

“Are you crazy? I can do this on my own.”

But I’ve been stuck in this storm for far too long

And while I’ve been searching for peace

I don’t know what that looks like.

So I sit,

Treading water

Glancing between land and storm.

Trying to decide which is better,

My way or the storm’s.

And in this confusion, I hear footsteps beside me.

I say, “Thank you for the healing

But I’m tired of fighting.”

He smiles sadly and says,

“Then stop fighting my dear

Just tell me the truth and I will take it from you.” 

So I start with a prayer,

But before I know it

Words I didn’t know were trapped broke free from their chains.

“I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you.”

And he takes all my words

All my fears and my pain

Packs them up into boxes

Tosses them far into the ocean.

THen he turns back to me with love in his eyes

Arms wide open and says,

“I love you! My beautiful daughter,

I love you!”

 

Two weeks have passed and peace has returned,

Filled my lungs with air

And stilled the waves which once controlled my life.

Now don’t get me wrong the waves are still there,

My Father has just quieted them.

See before a silent enemy roared so loud

That I couldn’t trust Him.

Pushed my heart into bathroom stalls

Stole my voice and my cry

But My Father is far greater!

Greater than the walls I mistakenly put up and the doors I locked behind me

Greater than the silence I forced myself into and the hurt that “never existed”

And that I know

I don’t want to keep myself from Him.

For my Father has called me,

He has given me a job to do

And that job is “deeper”.

 


I wrote this poem in the middle of my storm. Between news that my school was changing campuses and all of the work that God has been doing in my life, I felt as though I couldn’t get a break. Physically I was okay but emotionally and mentally I felt so tired and drained that any free time was spent trying to get some energy back and not always in ways that actually helped. One night Alexa, who is also a poet wanted to write a new piece and so I joined her. What came out was not as good as hers but it was the cork being removed from the bottle and soon after “Deeper” poured out of me. Since then I have been writing more poetry, three so far, and have really enjoyed doing it.


I hope that “Deeper” inspired you in some way. Writing it left me feeling more at peace and in tune with the storm around me and I hope that you too can find peace in your storms. I love you all and hope you have a great rest of your week!

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